I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
