Yo dont text me then not text me
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
