Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
