just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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