Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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