This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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