You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
