I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize