Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
