So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
