It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
