saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
