What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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