I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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