Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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