Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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