ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Randomize
