Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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