I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
