If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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