just come out here and I will go home with you...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
