Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
