My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
