Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
