I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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