I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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