Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
