break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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