Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
