how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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