Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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