Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
