could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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