He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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