Are we in a gay sports bar?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
