he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
