Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
