Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
