Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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