I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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