Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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