If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
