man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
