I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
