i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
