I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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