I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize