im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What a dumb baby whore.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
