So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
