i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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