I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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