Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
