it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
