So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
