finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
