I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize