having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize